


If I Could Write A Letter

by 8lueCrush8lush



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Character Death, M/M, POV First Person
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-12-24
Updated: 2011-12-24
Packaged: 2017-10-28 00:59:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,034
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/301997
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/8lueCrush8lush/pseuds/8lueCrush8lush
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It’s okay. There’s no need to be sad about this. I knew it was going to happen, and it’s okay.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. From: Sollux

It’s okay.

Karkat, don’t cry for someone like me. I knew what I was doing, and I knew the effect it would have. Of course there was no way for me to walk away from something like this. But I did it to protect everyone. I did it…

To protect you.

Things were weird between us, always fighting and then laughing later. We really did go from polar to polar, didn’t we? I think that’s why the two of us worked so well together. Not just because I really like  duality things, but because we balanced each other so perfectly.

Whenever I would go off the deep end, into another one of my crazy fits of anger, you’d be there to calm me down, even if it wasn’t with the nicest of words. The same goes the other way, if you were stressing out and getting another fucking bug up your ass, I would step in to get it out. Calm you down to your normal, crabby self.

I want to thank you.

Thank you for putting up with all of my shit. All of the mood swings, all of the times that I made fun of you whenever you would fuck up a code. Those times when we would play video games? And I would kick your ass so hard you would demand a do over? Those were probably the greatest times. You finally would let yourself unwind. I got to see the real you, and not the stupid leader front that you put up whenever things need to get done. I think I even got to see you smile once before, not when you hugged Gamzee, but before that.

I think it was back when we were both in your hive and we had just had another all nighter of codes and games. I was past my breaking point, where I was asleep on my feet, not processing anything you were rambling about. I remember being forced to sit down on the couch, I was about to go home if you remember, and you started blabbering on about how you couldn’t see how I was able to stay awake and code all the time. You’ve got no room to talk, asshole, you barely ever sleep. Ah, right.

I remember looking up at you, wanting to tell you to shut the fuck up and stop being a whiny priss about this, but I didn’t. Because you had this soft, almost unnoticeable smile tugging on your lip. It was so different. So different because I’m used to the frown. I’m used to your eyebrows always scrunched up and your teeth clenched, the fire in your eyes wanting to burn someone to death if they said one thing that pissed you off.

It was then that I realized something.

I realized that I wanted to see you smile more, even if I never said it. Now I wonder if you ever fucking noticed how some of your codes magically started working? I went in one day when you were busy doing something else, goddamn that was a while ago, but I changed things around. I really hoped that if you would get on, to ‘show’ me the code you were so damn proud of. Well, you got on, you showed me, but you were more surprised than I appeared to be when it actually did work. I didn’t get another smile, I just got a confused look.

It’s pretty silly, isn’t it?

You know, I tried to move on. I tried to just, tell myself that you would never see anything different about our relationship. We always were just best friends. Never filling a fucking quadrant with each other, there wasn’t a need.

Except..

I started to get jealous, meaning more mood swings. I go through chat logs sometimes, whenever I’m really bored and can’t figure out what I want to do. I’d never tell you this face-to-face, you get so mad, so embarrassed. Now that I think about it, I want to see you embarrassed. Too late for that now, huh? Eheheh. Fuck, back on topic. But I saw one of your logs with Terezi. And I saw the exchange of “<3”.

Man, I went on a rampage. Totally switched into the red polar, and I was angry at everything. I tried so hard to avoid you, I tried so hard to avoid everyone. I didn’t need them knowing. Knowing that I was finding myself feeling flushed for you.

I knew it was one sided, and it would probably get rejected if I ever brought it up. So I tried to move on. FF helped, she really did. Such a kind troll, she helped me balance myself out again. But she wasn’t you, kk. I think that I forced myself to push my feelings aside. Sure, I felt red for her, but, I’m pretty sure it was pale. It was pale, but I wasn’t going to accept that. I wanted it to be flushed. I wanted to get over you. You’re my best friend, and I’m pretty sure that’s all that would ever happen between the two of us.

I think, that when ed killed ff, the reason I was so okay with it was because I didn’t have to lie to myself anymore. I didn’t have to push my feelings aside. Plus, you were there. I was able to be with you again, even though it wasn’t for long. I knew it wasn’t going to be for long so I was going to enjoy your presence as much as I could.

You’re a great leader, kk. You really are.

I just wish that before I died, I really wish I would’ve been able to tell you all of this. It’s too late though. It’s too late, but it’s okay. Want to know why? It’s okay because you’re still alive. I accomplished what I set out to do, which was keep you safe. So stop fucking crying already, alright? Damn…It just makes this easier to say, even though you can’t hear it now.

I pity you, Karkat.

I pity you more than I ever thought I would be able to pity another troll.

Be safe, please.

I’ll be watching.

<3


	2. From: Karkat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fuck. I fucked up so bad and you had to pay for it. Sollux. Sollux, I’m so sorry.

Why the hell would you do that?

You are such a complete asshole, a completely selfish prick.

I don’t know what else I can say to truly expressed how fucking pissed off I am. I could go into another rambling session, but what good would that do me now? You’re gone. Dead. And I can see your lifeless body lying in front of me, your honey coloured blood splattered everywhere for all to see.

This is all my fault.

You’re my best friend, I refuse to believe that you would die over something like this. Yes, you moved an entire fucking meteor with your psionic shit, but.. you’re strong. I mean, I already knew that wore yourself down in the fight with Eridan, but I didn’t think.. I didn’t think that you were almost to your breaking point. If I would’ve known, shit, I wouldn’t have let you do something so stupid.

Sollux, I watched you die once before. Do you know how much that fucking hurt? I was crying, again. Like the damn wimp I am. I hate crying, so much, and you probably know why. It makes me feel weak, it makes me feel like I shouldn’t be a leader. Anyway, seeing you covered in blood once before, I lost it. I couldn’t believe that I lost my best friend so fast, so easily.

And then, when Eridan knocked you unconscious? I thought you were dead at first. Even back then, I couldn’t handle losing my best friend twice. I wonder if you’d feel the same way if it was the other way around. If I was the one that was dying all over the place. What would you do? Er- what would you have done. Fuck, I can’t get used to this, I want you back, Sollux.

You already know that I always take the problems of others and try to fix them. I like having people look up to me, and I like telling people what to do. But isn’t another job of being a leader, being able to protect everyone? I couldn’t even do that. You died (twice), Eridan’s dead, Feferi, Aradia, Equius, Nepeta. Vriska’s dead too, and I’m so weak that I couldn’t even tell her apparent matesprit to be that she was gone.

 _Fuck me_.

I wish there was a way that I could restart the game. Not only restart it, but play all the angles, play everything so that no one would have to die. Fuck with things so that Jack wouldn’t have been able to get into our session. Hell, I just wish I could go back in time and fix what I did with the other universe. Maybe if I did that, we wouldn’t have even had to play this stupid game to save our lives. Who knows, all I know is that I fucked up, and you (and everyone else) paid the price.

I don’t know what I’m supposed to do anymore, Sollux. There’s not a part of me that even wants to finish this stupid game. Not without you. I never said it to your face, but throughout the game my feelings have been getting stronger. To the point where it’s started to _hurt_. Well, they didn’t start to hurt until a bit before everyone started dying…

Want to know what set me off?

Feferi.

Sure. You’re my best friend, but I can’t help but always want to somehow have interactions with you. Even if that means us arguing and bashing our keyboards at each other. It’s why I always make sure that we’re still friends after every argument. I never, _never_ wanted to lose you. You’re so important to me that just seeing you with Feferi, seeing that fucking “ <3”… it hurt.

It was obvious that you guys were flushed for each other, I’ve seriously never seen you smile so much. And yeah, I was happy for you. Even if I never said anything, because I’m just a complete ass like that. But… when you said, “kk, you are a true friiend” it hit a bit harder than I would have liked it to. I pressed on, and when I said that bit about making everyone uncomfortable with your sappy shit? Yeah, I was talking mostly about myself. I was extremely uncomfortable watching you and her with your damn flushed feelings.

I think I know how Nepeta felt, what with her weird one sided red feelings? That’s exactly what I felt like whenever I was around you. And even more so when Feferi was there.

It doesn’t really matter now, huh? Fuck, the two of you are probably together now. Which is good, you aren’t alone in that shitty afterlife, but I’m still jealous. I think that’s another reason why I’m still crying, because I know that I’m never going to get to tell you anything. Because I’m never going to get to spend another moment with you. No more arguments, no more late night programming or game sessions. If somehow I make it through this stupid game and survive.. what’s the point?

Sure, I have Terezi, Gamzee and Kanaya…

 _But they aren’t you, Sollux._

They aren’t you, so I think I’m going to have to suck it up and deal. Throw my feelings away and try to move on. All I wish is that I would’ve been able to protect you better so you were still alive. I don’t care if I wasn’t able to be with you, just having you around was enough for me.

Fuck, I already miss you and you haven’t been gone more than five minutes. I have no idea how I’m going to keep going without having you there to insult me and push me on. Haha, I really know how to make a fool out of myself by crying my eyes out. I guess this is what I get for being a douchebag, eh?

I guess this is it, you prick.

 _Goodbye_.

<3


End file.
